Grand Canyon Guys Trip

Foreword by Tony Low:

Thank you all for participating in our celebration honoring Alexander’s life with us. Your support for Francie, TJ, and me was powerful; and we are still yet humbled deeply by your love and support. Certainly, Alexander’s departure had us reeling with sadness and confusion, ruminating in a sea of shoulda woulda coulda’s and frothing with self-doubt and guilt for weeks on end. 

My eulogy was an attempt to settle that which cannot be settled, with a perspective and clarity that sadly, was only gained with deep introspection forced by tragedy. My message is a message to the families of our community, to see that which we have seen, with the hope that we can change how we communicate and connect, for the sake of our children.

As Alexander has communicated to us via music, a refrain from a song performed jointly by Queen and David Bowie (“Under Pressure”) rises with a message that captures succinctly in a few lines of song, that which I tried to convey in my eulogy: 

Love dares you to change our way of

Caring about ourselves

This is our last dance

This is ourselves under pressure 

Love is Enough

Greetings and thank you to all our friends and family who have put so much effort into traveling far and wide to be with us. A special thanks to the amazing Lafayette community that have now assembled to our aid during times of tragedy, not once, but now twice.  And a final thanks to Peter and LOPC for opening their hearts and doors to us, to allow us to celebrate Alexander here in Lafayette, a place he truly considers home.

For all that are gathered here, and those with us in spirit, know that your love is what has carried us these past weeks and we are eternally thankful.

Francie and I have had many discussions about love since Alexander’s passing.  I wondered if he knew just how much we loved him, how much all of you love him, and of Alexander’s love for us.  Love was all around us, yet here we are now. How did that happen?

I’d like to start our journey through Alexander’s life by answering the question who is Alexander Jack Low?

Some of you may know him as Alex, some as Alexander. Though both are correct. Alex was dropped in favor of Alexander in late college to announce a newly transformed version of himself, one that was ready to take on the world.

For me, looking at Alexander is like staring in a mirror and seeing a brighter, wiser, and more compassionate reflection of myself.  Oddly enough, TJ, who is named after me (Tony Jr or Tomato Juice as he tells others, depending upon the audience), is unapologetically unique and independent and not quite like me.  Young couples, take heed of the lessons learned here while naming your children.

Right out the gates, Alex was the sweetest, happiest, and loving little kid you could imagine.  Happiness was so important to Alex that he used it as a measurement. In his world, you were happy or not.  As a toddler, he wasn’t mad or sad, instead, Alex would say, “Daddy, I not happy.”

Alex was born with an unwavering empathetic heart that he shared with all.  At age 6, Francie’s mom passed and Alex tells her, you know, I think Gramma is happy in heaven but she is sad she had to leave. He was wise beyond his years by far.

In later years he tutored struggling classmates in his college dorm, and regularly donated his time to the Contra Costa Food Bank joyfully because it felt good to viscerally help those in need.   Alex just cares for people at a deeper level.  Everyone needs an Alexander in their life. 

Alexander and I formed a special bond as we grew older together.  I was his go-to guy for everything, good or bad. I spent countless hours with him on the phone over the years as he was away from us, just chatting about career, apartment life, car repair, cooking, music, or anything top of mind.

But mostly, we bonded over music and food. In junior high, I introduced Alex to EDM. It was an exciting time in EDM and we were immersed in it together, exploring and sharing our discoveries from Soundcloud, analyzing cool new sounds, sharing cool builds and drops and it became our favorite genre together.

When I wasn’t playing DJ Dad, I was Alex’s personal nutritionist and chef.  From age 8 on, I repaired his health with regular regiments of smoothies and salads I formulated to heal him. Later in life, he developed gluten sensitivities, so I taught myself how to perfect gluten-free treats just to add a little joy to his difficult High School years. A cookie can go a long way in my family. A simple cookie can mean love.  And so food became my love language.

Alexander learned to embrace cooking as much as we did. At Christmas this past year he was giddy for gifting us with what he would consider a life-changing kitchen hack: an Air Fryer. (He’s kinda right actually).. He loved sharing his research with me, recently, he couldn’t wait to show me how pink Himalayan Sea Salt perks you up in the morning and takes away brain fog, and then to explain the science of it to me proudly. I don’t know who was prouder at that moment, him or me.

Alexander excelled at everything he put his mind to. He quickly mastered complex concepts and had a plan for everything. By 30 he would own his own private real estate development firm and put it to action journaling goals in a daily routine. He’d read books on the world’s best leaders to build skills he saw necessary to fit the role of the leader he was going to be. Alexander was successfully building an unstoppable mindset: nothing in life is unachievable if you put your mind to it.

The flip side of this equation is that I’ve been told by many people that the world is hardest on a young mind that has lofty goals and a loving heart. The world is just too hard on them. 

Struggling to make sense of Alexander’s departure, and questioning why he did not reach out to me or Francie, TJ confided to me, “You know Dad, as well as you and mom raised us, the advice you give us does not work.” TJ was implying that ours was a different time and our perspectives are not quite relevant today in their world.

I thought long and hard about what TJ told me for about a week. And I came to the same conclusion, TJ is right. We grew up in times when we recreated for fun, things rolled off our backs, we called each other names and it was ok, you just let it roll and get on.  If things did not work out, hey don’t worry about it, just get on with it.

That advice may work in our own reference of the world, but it sure as heck doesn’t work in their reference where kids are growing up in an era of high anxiety, hypersensitivity and cancel culture.  Our ideals were built on a foundation of presence, of direct human interaction, of physically being there for one another. Theirs is built on emotionless virtualized representations of people..texts, posts, and chats. It’s a completely different social paradigm from that which we grew up with.

As parents, we are experiencing an unprecedented sweeping social phenomenon no other generation has ever seen.  Almost overnight with the advent of smartphones and social media, the entire social construct of how our children perceive themselves, and communicate to one another, and to us, has been upended. A massive chasm of communication has divided us with old legacy ideals on one side and modern-day ideals on the other.  But to build this bridge back to our children, it takes more than just love. We have to change our references to match the world our children are living in.

I am challenging myself to rethink not only what I say to our adolescents, but how I say it and to hang on every word they tell you. Because I, a parent, may be the last person they want to talk to about some very important topics.  It is quite possible they think I don’t get them, and they could be right. And that has to change if we are to get back to relevance in our children’s eyes.

I also have a message for the young adults of the world today. Please hear me out:

• You are better than you know. 
• You are good enough, in fact you are way better than good enough.
• A single setback can be overcome.  You are not alone, Take a deep breath and know your friends and family got you. We are your safety net and we love you dearly unconditionally.
• Don’t be perfect. It’s okay not to be perfect. Nobody is perfect.
• Reach out and be present for your friends.  I’m talking about touching each other, high fives, secret handshakes, belly bumps..or maybe just giving a call.  Talk.  Just connect to one another.
• Lastly, Your Phone is not your friend, your friend is your friend. A phone won’t hug you back.  A phone will not cry with you.

What I haven’t shared with you is that Alexander had exceptional skills for shopping at Costco.  For a party of 1. On my dime.  And actually, that’s ok.  I love a good value. And because of this, vestiges of Alexander will remain with us until at least 2036.  I know this because I took inventory of the pantry he bequeathed to us, and did the math. (we were both math guys.)

Here is what Alexander left with us:

• A 13.3 yr supply of Pink Himalayan Sea Salt. 5 lb jar @ 6 oz a year
• A 6 ¼ year supply of Red Hot Cayenne Pepper Sauce. 50 oz @ 1 cup a year, That’s about 48 Nashville spicy hot fried chicken sandwiches. Maybe I’ll throw a party and use that up.
• A 8 yr supply of organic apple vinegar  Half a gallon.  I’d have to make 188 bowls of potato salad since that’s all I use it for
• 6.7 years of organic curry powder, adding to my own supply, this comes up to about 7.7 yrs worth or 75 curry dishes. Chirag, if your daughters are close to a wedding or something, I got you.

I will close with this.  Alexander left us to resolve his conflicts with loved ones, in music.  It’s something truly special, music is such a large part of our lives in the Low family.

The song he picked for me was an early EDM song by Swedish House Mafia. The song is “Don’t You Worry Child” and there is a refrain in there that will stay with me til the day I join him.  And it goes like this:

Don’t you worry

Don’t you worry child,

Heaven’s got a plan for you.

 Well, I have to warn you heaven, not so fast.  I think Alexander’s got a plan for you.